Face to Face with Me

Day two!  There’s nothing more intimidating than facing one’s self.  I’m pretty sure my expectations of me will always be higher than everyone else’s.  In fact, I think that’s the leading cause behind self-doubt.  Obviously we want to please those around us- our parents, bosses, pets, children.  It would seem that every person we meet expects a certain level of intelligence, or compassion, or common sense.  In the end the only person we come home to is ourselves.  And it’s at home, in the dark that we ponder all of our personal flaws that we’ve displayed for the day.  “I had no solution to that problem at work.”  “I forgot to say ‘Have a nice day’ to that clerk.”  “I should have held the door for that lady.”  I should have let that car go in front of me.”  Lost patience, lost opportunity, failed plans are all things that we beat ourselves down about.  It may be the case that your boss noticed that there was an error in your report to them, but I can guarantee you that they aren’t at home at night thinking about that blip on their radar.  They are tossing in bed rehearsing what they are going to say at the board meeting, and thinking about how they should’ve made it to their kids ball game.

In Buddhist practice, you hear a lot about compassion.  I see people struggle with having compassion on a daily basis.  Someone steals a pen from their desk.  An employee is late coming in to work.  Their kids managed to make a mess of the kitchen.  At some point they will be so wrapped up in their day that all of that will fall away and they will move forward.  But showing compassion for ourselves is something that we save for those wee hours of the night, those quiet moments when our minds can quiet the chaos of the day.  That’s a tough thing to deal with while meditating.  Even just sitting down brings a panic as I think how poorly my mind will focus. 

But meditation should be more than trying to accomplish focus.  It should just be what it is.  Sitting.  You sit.  And when you are done, you stop sitting.  I did that today.  I think that it is good that I sat.