Simply Step

I start at a cross-roads, stepping forward on a journey to find my life.  Suspecting at this point that I will not only not find my life, but find that there is no me.  I am afraid to step forward away from the routine and the comfort that the processes and habits in my life provide.  I go to work.  I tell myself that what I do makes a difference, that I am a hero affecting change.  But that’s not the truth. 

The trouble is that I once felt that I had some grasp at the “truth”, when I was young and unattached to anything.  So today I started my meditation, forcing myself to step, although not necessarily forward.  How can you step forward when you don’t even know what direction you face?  Simply step. 

My meditating mind today was drawn always back into the ease of distraction.  The illusion of meaning in my life comes from my job and my relationships, and my creativity.  But all of that is just an easier focus, than being pointedly focused on my breath and the moment, and the realness of what that brings. 

My body seems used to panic.  While I claim that the stress and chaos and challenges in my life are unwanted, I am conditioned to reach for that familiarity.  It’s warm and distracting.  Like a dog who drops his toy momentarily to look at a bunny in motion, and then forgets that it ever had or wanted the toy, so does my mind behave.  Perhaps if a quick moment of panic over a day’s imperfection can distract the mind, it will forget that it wanted the release that comes from the hard work of staying in the moment.  Yes, my devious mind is indeed my worst enemy.

I’m left wondering what, in the current state in my mind, does not want to be discovered.  What truth is to be found that leads my puppy dog mind to distract, ever so briefly, the course that I travel while meditating?  Will I eventually see that discovery revealed?  If so, where will that leave me?  Will I understand where I am and what direction I am going in?  Time will tell, and with any luck my postings will become clearer, happier and more interesting.