What will you happen today?

Everyone experiences some level of frustration during the course of the work week.  With the level of responsibility I have, my days can range from wanting to scream and walk out, to losing it so much that laughter is all that's left.  And right now the entire organization that I work for is feeling the frustration of a lack of leadership.  There is always an argument from above about why a project can't be launched.  There is never enough funding, enough staff, or enough reason to try it again when it had already failed once before.

Of course it's easy to get discouraged.  We think that if the leadership at the top can't move forward, then neither can the rest of the organization.  This week was filled with reminders of the falseness of that belief.  In advance of being able to go and see Marsaru Emoto, author of the book "The Hidden Messages in Water" I began to read the book for a second time.  The idea that humans are 70% water, and that these water molecules can be affected by just a thought, reminded me that we can and do change the world with or without intent.  This changed my thinking when it came to my personal meditation.

I was previously visualizing, as I had once read, a great light infusing me, more and more with each breath.  I would practice this visualization whenever I started to feel dejected in the face of absurdity at work.  Now I realize that I can't rely on the world for this energy.  The world can suck at any given moment.  Have you read some of the headlines in the news?  There are days when the only good news is that the earth wasn't taken out by a giant comet!  No, the goodness is already in me, and it is that that I must draw from and project when all hell breaks loose.  And the belief that this goodness is in me will affect me as well, I expect.

I wish I could explain this better to the rest of my crew.  Quotes I included in the staff newsletter this month were about not just waiting for things to happen, but for people to "happen" to the world.  Make things happen!  That's wisdom that is too good to pass up.  Why wait for upper management to get their act together?  No one is telling us we can't do the projects we want to do except for ourselves.  We hear the negatives, and buy them, and let them stop us.  We need to happen!  Happen with purpose!  Happen with lightness!  Happen with determination and persistence!  What will you happen today?

What color is your mind?

There’s this point…in my mind, that’s not there, but I tried to focus on it so that I wouldn’t focus on anything.  That doesn’t seem to make any sense, and yet it did at the time.  Though the point doesn’t actually exist, I can tell you that it was a yellowy gold, and kind of well…fuzzy, like looking at a tv screen that has nothing but static playing on it.

And looking at that point helped me erase the bizarre images that can pop into one’s head:  me as a giant Buddha, characters from the tv show “Lost”, computer problems, spinning chakras, my bra being too tight.  I counted my breaths to keep the images away.  I noticed that I was breathing more slowly and deeply.  I figured that that was good.  Then I figured that I shouldn’t be figuring.  I noticed myself relax and then tense up again, and relax again. 

I know I just started my meditation practice recently.  And I think I started with a lot of expectations that I’m still holding on to.  I’m not sure what I consider success in my effort.  I have noticed that I seem to have more patience and love towards the world.  And the yellow fuzziness in my mind did help to get rid of a lot of the noise.  But just as it seemed to quiet, my timer went off.  Maybe I will add more time to my next session and move beyond my colored mind.  Or I could just sit and start again.

A Little Post-Meditation Rambling

To time my meditation sessions, I set the timer on my phone to go off at ten minutes with a soothing, harp sound.  Today, I didn't even think about the time.  What I did think about was worrying about what I might write about whatever experience I was having.  So, yay blog!  Great idea, right?  Now that someone might actually read this, I was trying to document my experience as I went.  I find this interesting because, when I took my Contemplative Traditions class in college, I never experienced such anxiety about my meditation journal.  It always just occurs to me how more at peace I was with who I was back then.  It sure didn't seem like it at the time, but I wasn't out to impress anybody.  But now I try to set a good example for my staff at work, and others that I know are having difficulties with their lives.  And I know what a stress monkey I am, and I am aware that I'm not following how I believe my life should be lived.  So my mind even freezes up as I try to write about an experience that seemed to go well.  And although I preach about how it's important just to try, just to do, whether you meet your goal or not, clearly it's not easy for me to follow those same words.

It seems to me that every moment of every day a million, gajillion thoughts are processed through my fickle mind.  Most of those thoughts will pass without my even knowing I had them.  When I'm meditating, I'm forced to deal with each thought as it comes up.  I see it, I let it go.  Sometimes it's not easy.  Sometimes I see it and I wonder why this thought or image is there.  But either way, I'm forced to reckon with what is cluttering up my air waves.  Curious.  I would like to say that I look forward to the day that I've exercised my brain enough that it doesn't wander so, and I can more effectively deal with the moment on-hand.  But that wouldn't be very zen.  So I will just say that I am glad that I sat today.

Face to Face with Me

Day two!  There’s nothing more intimidating than facing one’s self.  I’m pretty sure my expectations of me will always be higher than everyone else’s.  In fact, I think that’s the leading cause behind self-doubt.  Obviously we want to please those around us- our parents, bosses, pets, children.  It would seem that every person we meet expects a certain level of intelligence, or compassion, or common sense.  In the end the only person we come home to is ourselves.  And it’s at home, in the dark that we ponder all of our personal flaws that we’ve displayed for the day.  “I had no solution to that problem at work.”  “I forgot to say ‘Have a nice day’ to that clerk.”  “I should have held the door for that lady.”  I should have let that car go in front of me.”  Lost patience, lost opportunity, failed plans are all things that we beat ourselves down about.  It may be the case that your boss noticed that there was an error in your report to them, but I can guarantee you that they aren’t at home at night thinking about that blip on their radar.  They are tossing in bed rehearsing what they are going to say at the board meeting, and thinking about how they should’ve made it to their kids ball game.

In Buddhist practice, you hear a lot about compassion.  I see people struggle with having compassion on a daily basis.  Someone steals a pen from their desk.  An employee is late coming in to work.  Their kids managed to make a mess of the kitchen.  At some point they will be so wrapped up in their day that all of that will fall away and they will move forward.  But showing compassion for ourselves is something that we save for those wee hours of the night, those quiet moments when our minds can quiet the chaos of the day.  That’s a tough thing to deal with while meditating.  Even just sitting down brings a panic as I think how poorly my mind will focus. 

But meditation should be more than trying to accomplish focus.  It should just be what it is.  Sitting.  You sit.  And when you are done, you stop sitting.  I did that today.  I think that it is good that I sat.

Simply Step

I start at a cross-roads, stepping forward on a journey to find my life.  Suspecting at this point that I will not only not find my life, but find that there is no me.  I am afraid to step forward away from the routine and the comfort that the processes and habits in my life provide.  I go to work.  I tell myself that what I do makes a difference, that I am a hero affecting change.  But that’s not the truth. 

The trouble is that I once felt that I had some grasp at the “truth”, when I was young and unattached to anything.  So today I started my meditation, forcing myself to step, although not necessarily forward.  How can you step forward when you don’t even know what direction you face?  Simply step. 

My meditating mind today was drawn always back into the ease of distraction.  The illusion of meaning in my life comes from my job and my relationships, and my creativity.  But all of that is just an easier focus, than being pointedly focused on my breath and the moment, and the realness of what that brings. 

My body seems used to panic.  While I claim that the stress and chaos and challenges in my life are unwanted, I am conditioned to reach for that familiarity.  It’s warm and distracting.  Like a dog who drops his toy momentarily to look at a bunny in motion, and then forgets that it ever had or wanted the toy, so does my mind behave.  Perhaps if a quick moment of panic over a day’s imperfection can distract the mind, it will forget that it wanted the release that comes from the hard work of staying in the moment.  Yes, my devious mind is indeed my worst enemy.

I’m left wondering what, in the current state in my mind, does not want to be discovered.  What truth is to be found that leads my puppy dog mind to distract, ever so briefly, the course that I travel while meditating?  Will I eventually see that discovery revealed?  If so, where will that leave me?  Will I understand where I am and what direction I am going in?  Time will tell, and with any luck my postings will become clearer, happier and more interesting.

People in the United States have grown to fear pain.  Any good doctor's regimen for any ailment starts with killing the pain.  The first question my doctors ask me when I go in for something specific is "Did you try any painkillers?"  Obviously that's something I can figure out to do on my own.  If I'm at the doctor's office, it means that I need another option...such as addressing the underlying cause!  My acupuncturist used a treatment on me for a muscle spasm that involved pain, but worked splendidly!  She explained that it's not a technique that's taught in the US because patients here don't want to experience the pain.  We just want the easy way out.  Why is that?  Why is pain so abhorrent to us?

Recently I had my first serious broken bone/s.  My radial was broken near the wrist and I had to endure a frustrating cast that ran from my hand past my elbow, and up.  Completely immobilized, I was told that muscle atrophy begins within the first twenty minutes, and I had to wear the brace for six weeks!  While I was absolutely thrilled to finally get the activity limiting cast off, with it came pain that was most unpleasant.  Physical therapy started almost immediately.  My therapist, Nikki was a sweet lady who was very encouraging, and started me out as she would any patient.  She was pleased at my first visit, a week from getting the cast off, when I was already moving my hand as she was directing me.  I was a little nervous with how liberal I was being with my recovery, worried that I could re-injure the bone.  Nikki assured me that the break was fixed and there was no danger of re-breakage.  I progressed fast, but then it seemed a natural progression to me.  Life goes on and I couldn't just wait around waiting for the pain to subside before moving on.  Once, in a therapy session when I was showing good progress combined with a determined look, Nikki commented that I must not be feeling much pain.  On the contrary, I assured her, there was pain, but feeling it made me want to push harder, hoping that it would go away.

Pain, it occurred to me, was not an indication that something bad was happening to my hand.  The pain was an indication that something bad had happened, and now each twinge reminded me to move on, and that I was healing and getting stronger.  To be honest with you, the moment of the original break wasn't painful at all, it was just the aftermath when I needed to move on and heal that the pain came to alert me. 

Hmmm...I wonder, does that only apply to physical pain?  Even mental pain can be looked at that way.  Most of the time we feel anger before pain.  Whether it's a broken heart, a betrayal, a loss.  We first feel anger, maybe panic, or frustration.  When that dispels we feel the pain as a sign to push harder, to become stronger, to move on and heal.  We have to reach out again, despite the pain that we feel inside.  Each time we reach out, no matter the outcome, we finish a bit stronger than before.

I'm still a long way from being fully healed, but therapy is over.  Now I'm left with only myself to encourage me, so when I move my wrist into a position that hurts, I continue to force that action on a daily basis.  I know that doing so will eventually cause the muscle to release, and the pain to subside.  I wonder, where else in my life could I use that release?

Growing up sucks! Yet my youth is fresh enough in my mind that I remember the angst that permeated every aspect of my life. I felt that every adult in the world was contributing to a downfall of society that had spiralled out of control. I was powerless, yet I could express my anger through vivid-colored clothing and loud, thundering music. I was awkward and uncertain, yet I could hide behind my parents and friends and pretend that I never had to move forward in life. I had "freedom" and yet I wasn't free. I spent every moment of every day wondering how to fit in, how to proceed or how to avoid being seen. Today I am no better off. I am still filled with angst over whether I am fulfilling my goals, presenting my ideas well and supporting the right team. Going back isn't appealing even if I could. Going forward, into the unknown, at least gives me a chance at something...what am I looking for...direction? redemption? freedom? peace? power? influence?

I look at our leaders, our CEO's, politicians, leaders, presidents and I realize that they are all just like me. They are human, not super-heroes. In the privacy of their own dwellings they sit and feel uncertainty, pressure, and the burden that they lead by example. Yet they know no more than I. How much they must laugh inside themselves to deal with the reality that every word they utter, every action they undertake is scrutinized, emmulated and copied by those that wish to be super human.

I'm still living for the slight chance that somehow at some point, it all gets easier, or better but I don't know what that even means. As far as I can tell, we are all just "shooting from the hip". Some of us just have better luck than others, but we are all completely fallible.

Our presidents, kings and monarchs will all crumble, die and be gone. We can't escape that fate. What will you do in the mean-time? Focus on your angst? Have you overcome it? Did you escape the pull of uncertainty, or find the courage to embrace it? I await your insight!